Virginia Beach therapist on how to cope when the holidays aren't so happy

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — The holiday season is here, but it's not always a joyous occasion for some for a variety of reasons: grieving the loss of a loved one, a recent divorce or a separation from someone serving overseas.

Local therapist Michael Scott, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks, says this time of year can be tough.

"There are all kinds of emotions tied up in the holidays. There are memorable events, there are events tied to family and they're difficult when there's been disruptions in the family— when there's been death," said Scott. "The tough emotions associated with the holidays, the grief, the hard memories—those can be dealt with by talking, those can be dealt with things like journaling. I would say honoring in some way that grief. So when I say honoring them, I mean allowing us to feel them—giving yourself the permission or the grace to feel heavy. Sometimes when we start to feel heavy we can find ourselves worrying about can we get back up out of it? Will this persist in a way I can't tolerate and when those things happen, I believe those are the times to seek support to seek help."

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Scott says it's not healthy to pretend everything's okay when we're not feeling that way.

"Sometimes when we put those facades up, when we put on a front, it can feel lonely underneath. It's diminishing your ability to be authentic with the people you care the most about. It's helpful to give it attention, to do something with it rather than ignore it," said Scott.

I asked Scott, how do we handle holiday family traditions when dealing with grief or loss?

"Acknowledge it's a tradition, that's now in some way different if a loved one is absent from that for some reason, death or deployment or whatever, there's a recognition that this tradition has changed in some way," said Scott. "I like to emphasize the value of purposefully modifying the tradition so we're not trying to recreate a tradition that can't be recreated. But recognizing if we modify the tradition in some way, if we add to it or make it unique to the new situation then we can recognize there's an effort to honor the missing person."

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Scott added, "We need to be mindful and sensitive when trying to help someone who is dealing with grief and is tempted to shut the whole holiday experience down, "Look for the cues that would invite you to either push a little harder or to have that grace and if you're finding that you're judging their grief in some way, that's an indicator for yourself to take a step back. I think it's important to recognize every grieving process is different."

Scott has a heads-up for those who are on the other end of the grieving spectrum and determined to just stay busy and not dwell on their loss: "It's one coping mechanism and it can be useful at times but sometimes it just kicks the can down the road," he said.

Scott says sometimes, counseling should be considered.

"I'm one to recognize from the start anytime I encounter someone who is suffering in some way or hurting in some way, to acknowledge that therapy can be a helpful thing," said Scott.

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But what's a good way to suggest someone needs therapy? Scott acknowledges that might not be easy.

"While someone might take offense to it, and that's certainly reasonable especially given the stigma for it, at least the ice has been broken—the topic's been broached. It can be a passive: drop a seed and hope the seed grows. It can be a collective effort of, 'Hey family, I dropped the seed," he said. "If it's coming from a place of, 'I care,' and that person receives the word of 'I care,' then great, perhaps that seed will grow. If it comes from a place of judgment, it'll get rejected. Now, if they're suffering in silence and you're concerned they may be going to a darker place or considering something like suicide or harming themselves in some way, when do we draw the line, between [hanging] back and being passive and accepting? Or, at what point do we impose? I'd say it's at the point where you're indeed concerned and that concern is genuine."

Scott stresses part of this battle is erasing the stigma of getting therapy and being transparent. If you need family counseling or any type of therapy, you can get more information about Thriveworks by clicking here.

Also an important reminder, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is 988.