VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — The holiday season likely means holiday family visits. That can be joyous, or for some, cause a lot of stress and drama.
I caught up with some folks in a grocery store parking lot to discuss how they keep the peace during holiday family visits.
"It's kinda the unspoken word; we don't talk politics we don't talk Redskins we don't talk Cowboys," Ray Darcey told me.
Carolyn McPherson said, "Don't talk about parenting styles."
And George Oxx told me with a laugh, "No topic is off limits in my family!"
But Chelsea Crisp believes boundaries are really important, telling me that: "Previous to my generation, boundaries were no such thing. So it's been an interesting ride setting them, but we've definitely got them in place."
It's a great idea for many families, says local therapist Michael Scott, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks.
"I would lean into any opportunity to clearly state boundaries and to define expectations. I believe that communicating them in advance and I'm a proponent for scheduling it," said Scott.
But how do you have that conversation with people who might be adults - for example, your parents or adult siblings - and laying down the rules?
Scott says it's important to note, "I think telling anyone what they can and can't do is often not going to be met with receptiveness. And boundaries are not about telling someone else what they can and can't do, they're about acknowledging what you are willing to tolerate and accommodate in your presence. They're about what action you'll take on the heels of a push to your boundaries; they're about what you control about yourself.
And Scott stresses in those pre-visit discussions, have an honest conversation about stuff you want to avoid.
"There are topics that can create more tension, politics and current events certainly — religion certainly," said Scott.
Sometimes those topics include family members who repeatedly have been asking for grandkids, or when are you getting married, or why are you still at a certain job.
Scott shared the following advice on the matter: "I'm also a proponent of practicing patience and tolerance and grace where possible until that's no longer possible."
Scott added that if things are getting too tense and the agreed-upon boundaries are not working, distraction phrases can be used to ease the tension.
"I'd say it's helpful to have a handful of distraction phrases, phrases we can use to redirect. [For example,] 'Hey, we all know this is a bit heated guys, let's talk about this a little later after we've had some coffee.'"
And if that doesn't work, "Oftentimes, it can be pulling for a quiet conversation or a private conversation with the offender or the person compromising the boundary," said Scott.
And if it's your parent, Scott said that's all the more reason to be diplomatic.
"Doing so in a private way will have a greater effect than doing so in a public way," said Scott.
Scott says there are other factors to keep in mind as well.
"It's probably also worth recognizing that often alcohol plays a role in our holiday events and alcohol can exacerbate the intensity of emotion and argument and passion so managing and being aware of the alcohol intake is worthwhile during the holiday season," said Scott. "And you can limit what you drink which allows you to have some ability to maintain your boundaries."
If you think about Scott's advice, knowing how to set boundaries and ease tense situations is useful in many situations. You don't have these conversations just around the holiday seasons, but year-round — in our efforts to keep the peace with the people we love.
If you need family counseling or any type of therapy, you can get more information about Thriveworks by clicking here.
